November 8 and bringing order to (my) chaos


(My current phone screen)

When you are 57 years old and you decide to change it all up. Cuz it is about time.

Have I mentioned that I am super OCD? A perfectionist? A keeper of habits and routines? Lover of tradition? Back when the littles were, well, little, I had to let a lot of that go. Because, and let me use kind and gentle lingo here, I was angry all the time. My husband will tell you that is an understatement. My children can recant some rages. Or maybe they have suppressed that. Waiting for it to come all out on the psych couch. In any case, I had to let it go. And let my kiddos be kiddos. Free to make messes in the kitchen when “helping” me cook and bake. That one, by the way, has served us all well…all three of my children can cook, and I’m not just talking simple stuff that anyone can do. They cook and bake like Ina married Guy. (Watch HGTV and you will get that.)

Now, though, it is time to (re)embrace the craziness that is my strong Enneagram 1. But because of all of these tendencies, I really really struggle with doing one thing at a time, getting that down, and moving on to the next thing. For me, it is more of a plate-spinning act with 20 plates spinning at the same time. Gonna be a lot of crashes. When I jumped into no-social-media-August with all the intentions, it all came crashing down pretty quickly. There was some heavy outside of my control things crushing me then too so it was no wonder I couldn’t sustain it.

November has been different. Here’s the thing. When you have something totally out of your control happening to you, making choices and changes that are usually hard to make, let’s you take charge of at least your response to what is happening to you. It has been a long time coming, but I finally was able to do that. Wise counsel, tons of prayer and meditation, and maybe most importantly, getting my family on board, sees me on the other end of that situation. People…it is soooooo freeing. I wish I had made this call a year and a half ago, but now I feel like my entire world has opened up. Which means I am trying to run with it. Holding it together and doing one step at a time (okay, maybe three steps at a time…that’s the best I can do!) has been and has to be a daily, hourly even, conscious decision.

My point is, you can make change happen. Hang in there. Get good counsel (or counseling). Talk to your people and listen to what they say. And pray. Journal. Scream. Listen. Repeat.

More on all of this tomorrow.




Just a few Life Lessons.


On the porch this morning, I stared at the blank pages of my journal. Tons of thoughts swirling around in my head, none of them coherent enough to put on paper. It’s been like this for months. Like a drain clogged with frustration, anger, questions. Searching for the peace that passes all understanding and finding a big fat glob of confusion.

Today I’ve decided to take captive those brain cloggers and dump them behind me and just move forward. Easier said than done?

Tomorrow Russell, Shawn, and I head to Radford. So excited to see The Girl after three months of hell Summer. Just fyi…it is nasty and humid on The Porch again as I am writing this and I realized that this weather has been contributing to my ugly state of mind. Like how ridiculous to give the weather…or a season…that much power!

So we move Brett into his new teeny weeny one bedroom apartment tomorrow. He had enough of roommates for three years and this last year was a doozie. What kind of person removes his name from the utilities so he doesn’t have to pay them while he lives there? Now they all lose out on their apartment deposit to pay the utilities and Brett wasn’t even there the last four months that the utilities weren’t paid.

Life lessons. A momma’s outrage doesn’t override the life lesson of some people. Thankfully, most people aren’t like that loser guy.

Life lessons. Deciding to move forward when you just want to stick around and fight a losing battle. Coming to the realization that people aren’t always going to act the way you would act. Accepting that there are times that people, even family, aren’t going to give you what you need or want and sometimes, will just decide to dislike you or hate you without reason. (If this rings familiar with a few of you that I have been talking with/texting with the last two days…I’m looking at you AND me.)

Life lessons. Learning to forgive the unforgiveable. Stepping around the mess instead of wading through and getting pulled into the muck. Choosing to turn away for the sake of peace and love, instead of fighting back. Focusing on the good things, the good people, the good times, the goodness and letting all of the other bs go.

Learning from the people purposely placed in your life. Seeking and accepting and implementing their wise and experienced counsel.

Not to allow yourself to be a doormat for people and their junk. But to be adult enough to just move on. Realizing that what goes around, comes around. Not for the sake of retaliation and revenge, but because that is just how life works.

And while I began this laundry list of life lessons with Brett in mind, really…it is a note to self.