Heart Shares.

“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?” (Psalm 22:1 – NIV)

The words of the Psalmist, David, ring so true for me this morning. In fact, the first sentence in my journal entry this morning is, “Where are You? I feel so alone!”

I realized this morning that I am the cause for the loneliness, not God. I have totally pushed Him aside these last few months and have focused on me. All about me. What I think. What I want. How I feel. Sure…I’ve been doing my “quiet time” each morning. A time I say I reserve each morning for God. To discover what He thinks of me. What He wants of me. How He feels about me. Except I left the He out and focused on the me. I have to admit I haven’t even had my Bible alongside of me for much of these mornings.

So, I’ve lost my jam. It happens. Pretty regularly to me, I must confess.

Today, I had set aside as Day 1 (for the 268th time, I believe) to really get back to taking care of me. Focusing on healthy eating and the discipline and commitment of daily exercise and not focusing as much on pounds lost. As I sat down this morning to tweak my plan, that’s when it really hit me. Again…still…it was all about me. I had already failed because I left out the winning equation…He is my strength and I can do nothing without Him.

Hopefully, y’all are still reading at this point. I’ve never made it a secret that I am a Christian woman; that I am the Church Administrator/Manager at our church home; and Jesus is life. I’m also a sarcastic and fiery-tempered wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt and friend. For every word about Jesus, there are references to the funny things in life; my (sarcastic) take on things; my family; as well as pain and loss.

But I want you to know what I had temporarily set aside: I am first a child of God. Nothing about who I am, what I say, or what I write is going to change with that pronouncement. It was already true; has always been true. I am who He created me to be…from the sarcasm down to the daily heartbreak of the losses our family has endured. But I also needed you to know…I needed to get it out there as a reminder to me, I suppose…that just like everyone else in this world, I need Jesus. And so do you.

the porch

Reading back through this post, my heart has definitely lifted. The heaviness and darkness I felt sitting down on The Porch this morning is gone. Time to get back to work. Absolutely taking better care of myself and making exercise a consistent part of my day again. All the while remembering where my strength and discipline actually comes from.

Blessings.

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The Longest Summer. Ever.

I realized this morning during my quiet time that I am too busy.

Yes, this is yet another (obvious) revelation I have had. I’ve recognized it before but have not known how/why to deal with it before. It seems to me that the bible is a bit contradictory on the subject. We are to love one another as ourselves, right? So that means putting self aside and putting others first. Doesn’t “others” include what others want/need me to do? For example, putting my husband before myself. Doesn’t that then mean that I must do what he asks me to do? Which usually involves running our children around everywhere, doing things for him and for our children, yadda yadda. I also work outside our home. And then there’s the laundry. The cooking. The cleaning. The quality time. The sex (notice I included that separately because as busy as I am, it is just one more thing on the list).

So then. Do I give up everything else? Because obviously, my husband’s list of things for me to do is great. I don’t have time for anything else. For anyone else.

So this is notice that I will no longer be doing anything other than what my husband asks me to do. No helping out at church (including VBS). No meeting with friends (at least not without him). No getting together for bible studies and the like. No meeting at Starbucks or for lunch.

Had you going for a second, didn’t I?

Okay, so then. If not that, how/where do I get the balance?

Thankfully, I had another revelation (yes, two in one quiet time! God IS good.)

It’s obvious that I can’t continue on the same path. I’m just going to have a total meltdown if I do.

The March of Dimes phoned last night. Sounds so simple to just come up with 15 names and addresses and pop the letters into the mail. For all of you, it might very well have been something simple and easy and doable. I started panicking at the mere thought of taking this on. How/when/where would I be able to do it? I said no to the march of dimes lady and now hundreds of children will die. (Oh, the guilt of saying no!)

The solution?

Sounds trite. Sounds religious. Sounds smarty-pants. But the answer is one He keeps telling me over and over and in many different ways. Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Not only my eyes, but my heart, my soul, my mind, my very being.

What does that look like? How do I do that? (Questions I’m asking Him.) I like to THINK BIG. When actually, He’s asked me to do something very small. Turn my eyes upon Him. Open my heart to hear Him.

Having said all of that…I have been so grumpy the past few days (okay, months). But especially this week. I am so frustrated with my children and my spouse and our church. Am I the only one that can see what needs to be done and what isn’t getting done? Where does all of this apathy come from? Are we all just so weary and tired and busy that we just don’t care/won’t care/can’t care anymore?

A collective Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus is in order!