What Do You Want From Me?

Do you ever just scream that out to someone? I did tonight.

To God.

He can take it.

The last two days I have been writing about rebellion and disobedience. I thought this morning that I had the ending to the piece I was writing regarding these two, totally intertwined in MY life, subjects.

Smug. Proud, even. I bragged that I had it and I knew what the answer was.

And then a huge blow this evening that set me back. Reeling. Lost. Angry. Sad. Questioning.

At 10:00 I had to go for a walk. Not a stroll…a pound-the-pavement-Travis-Cottrell-Blasting-Walk.

That is when I screamed, “what do you want from me?”

He knew Who it was directed to.

He gave me the answer. The solution and end to my rebellion and disobedience.

Becoming This Girl has been really, really hard. For a That Girl that wanted it NOW. Had to have it NOW. Lived in the moment. The future be damned. It’s been difficult. And a long time coming.

He has got me so caught now. I can’t turn back. Oh, I try. My Pit beckons me daily. But I am THIS Girl. His Girl. Try as I might to turn back, I can’t. He won’t let me. Do I even really want to?

Tonight, it looks like the easy road.

I totally believe and agree that the Husband is the head of the household. Spiritually, as well as the one we all look to.

But the Mom. Truly the heart of the household. That trite line about if momma ain’t happy…

It’s so true. At least in our household. They all look to me to set the tone. The mood. If I’m without joy, the household is without joy. If I’m happy, the household is happy and laughing. If I’m withdrawn, the household is frozen.

Tonight I had to withdraw. I had to. I needed to know, “what do You want from me”? I’m just not getting it…not able to do it…

It’s too hard, this being the Heart of the household.

It’s why I’m rebelling. It’s why I’m disobeying. And it’s why He is coming down on me.

He asked me a question years ago…when I really made the decision to be This Girl.

Do you trust Me?

I have not. I admitted as much to BFF Lori today.

Do you trust Me?

Beth Moore did point me in the right direction this morning when I heard her say in Session Three of “A Woman’s Heart…God’s Dwelling Place” that He has given us a “with need”.

We need Him to be with us.

Do you trust Me? Do you trust that what I am doing right now to you, to My Girl, to your marriage, to your church…is for your good and for My Glory? Because I want to give you My Goodness. I want to show you My Glory.

Do you trust Me?

I am with you.

Stop rebelling and disobeying My commands. Let me show you My Glory.

God, you are so amazing. I am so unworthy. Help me to trust You.