It’s Not My Plan.

This is post number two I have started today. Post number one will eventually make it’s way back to the forefront and, as a teaser, it is Part Two in my You Asked for It series and has to do with kids. That totally narrows it down for you, I know.

If you are still hanging in there reading, I have, sadly for my family, been in serious reflection and frustration mode. Possibly, those should be reversed in order…frustration and reflection. Something has been tugging at my heart and my brain cells lately and I just could not reach out and bring it into clarity. Until this morning.

For the past 25 years or so I have not been living. I’ve been surviving; existing; getting by; making do. Any and all of the cliche terms apply here. I’ve been reactive and not proactive. Defensive and not on the offensive. You get what I’m saying by now, I am sure.

So. What to do about it? My first inclination was to do what I love to do best: Take. Control. Oh to be able to control it all…how wonderful life would be! Or so I convince myself into believing at times. It cracks me up that I am always the first to say to My Man, our Darlings and anyone else who will listen, “it’s not our plan…it’s His plan.” *gag me* Don’t get me wrong. I one hundred percent believe that it is truly God’s Plan;  that He is The One in Control. Then what does that make us? Chopped liver? *I love liver and liverwurst…anyone else?*

We are not mindless, powerless, robots totally controlled by God. Or our circumstances and the acts and mindsets of others, for that matter. We have a brain. We have resources. We have feelings and abilities and can decide for ourselves whether we blindly allow ourselves to be drug along the path our problems and circumstances take us or, whether we ask and seek and learn and decide for ourselves how we will respond, even if we can not physically control how it all plays out.

I totally believe God has been thumping me on the head with this truth lately: I have been more of an audience to my own life than a participant. Absolutely I have been there with my kids, doing what needed to be done, but I always felt like it was all spinning and I was running from plate to plate, giving it a quick touch to keep it spinning and then dashing to the next spinning plate. Ugh. It just hit me: trying to do it all, be all, please all. I just don’t think that is what we were created to do.Or, at least not what I was created to do.

And I have to be honest with you here…it hasn’t let up. Even with three adult children. I still feel like I am running from thing to thing, never catching up.Which is why I am so certain that this is not the way it is supposed to be.

So. Again. What to do about it all? First things first. I am focusing on me for a bit. No, seriously, this time I really am doing it. Focusing on my health (it’s totally out of control); my eating (ditto); and the things I need to be doing. Not necessarily the things I want to be doing. Does that make any sense at all to anyone? Cuz I’m really struggling with what it will look like.

I’ll let you know.

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Lack of Control.

Saturday Morning before Thanksgiving. My Girl was the first one up. Let’s clarify that. She was only the first one up because Wesson, her GSD puppy, was the first one up. But she stayed up and chose to make sure we all knew it by apparently touching every dish in the kitchen according to My Man. In truth, she knew I was stressing about the condition of our home and was jumping in to help.

The Big Boy and The Wild Boy are still sound asleep. Typical.

My house is a wreck right now. So much has been going on; my OCD has had plenty of other avenues to walk down but today my focus is back. Pray for the children, My Man and all of our critters as I’ve already had a temper tantrum involving the linen closet and sheets. The aftermath is not pretty and will need to also be dealt with today. I think I will snap before and after pics for your viewing pleasure but mostly as a reference for the rest of them. *them being these messy peeps I do life with in this house*

Control. I’ll be honest, the more I try to have it; the less I actually do. I think it explains a lot about some of the other, shall we say cute personality quirks I possess. For example, my need to begin playing Christmas in October. I really believe that I subconsciously think that if I begin playing Christmas music early, I will actually have a jump on Christmas and be done shopping, wrapping, decorating weeks before Christmas. For the record, that’s never happened. Next year I will try again. And guess what? The Wild Boy will be away at college *gulp* and there will be no last football season and all that entails. I will miss it. But, I’m totally done. This last season did me in.

Control. Not only has my house been out of control, over the top messy, so has my eating. Hmmm…just made that connection. Again, I’m not one for New Year’s Resolutions, but I really do have a list of changes I want to make in 2014. My eating and weight and exercise commitment is numero uno. Among other items that I will attempt to control. Realistically, I have very little control of the four most important things in my life, my family. Therefore, I must attempt to control all else that is around me.

Also on my need to change in 2014…the need to control. Clearly.

Love you guys.

Can You Feel the Rage Love?

Several years ago, my beloved Interim Pastor informed me that I was a Type A personality.

That explains a lot.

When I gasped and said, “Huh? What? Me? Nuh-uh!”, he laughed and said, “you are a classic control freak.” Then he gave me a big old hug and told me that’s just the way it is.

Nuh-uh.

Since then, I have had it confirmed. By professionals. As well as my own beloved family. Most of whom should recognize my controlling tendencies since I got it from their gene pool.

Usually, I’m able to control my controlling tendencies. Oh, wait. I just read that out loud.

Seriously, though…I can usually hide it fairly well. At least in Susan’s Fantasy Make-Believe Non-Reality World.

The last few weeks, however, I have been in a tail-spin. I have not been able to control anything!

And it is infuriating me.

‘Course I didn’t know all of that until I decided to go back on speaking terms with God. And once He confirmed it, I stopped speaking to Him again.

And in that, no…you’re not getting off that easily way of His

He has been blasting me with both barrels.

I am in control of nothing!

Every single bit of my life is spinning out of control.

And it is really annoying.

I had totally planned on taking my own little sabbatical while my boss is on sabbatical.

I haven’t gotten a single thing done.

It came to me this morning that all of this going on is tied in with this. When I said to God that I was ready to be used by Him to do whatever He wanted me to…I neglected to turn the control over to Him.

I’m thinking that giving up the control to Him is going to be an integral part of Him being able to use me. And since I said, “use me” He is taking me at my word and forcing me to give up control.

Thus…my world spinning out of control.

I’m at the office now. The place is empty, but for me. And the sanctuary…both physical and spiritual…is calling. I’ve got to answer. I’ve got to obey.

And give up control.

But I’m not the least bit happy about it.

The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalm 18:2