The things we will do out of desperation…Part 2.

Stretched out on the treatment table, three thoughts went through my mind: 1) Is this going to hurt? 2) Is this going to do anything at all? 3) What am I going to have for lunch? Oh, also a number 4 that flitted in and out quickly…what was Miley thinking?

Thomas had already announced that he could help me. As he checked my pulse and poked around my gut a bit, he made occasional comments…my colon was hot (not a reference to its appearance, clearly); my liver was a tad swollen (I chalked this up to my wine consumption of late); something about my kidneys. Then it was time to begin the treatment.

I suppose I should have asked questions like, “why are you putting needles in where you are?” But, I was really trying to embrace my inner Zen at this point. Zen was having none of it. I’m pretty sure that my anxiety level has been up in the Danger, Will Robinson** red zone for so very long…nothing, short of a miracle will bring it back to Zen. Thankfully, I do believe in miracles.

Left side was the focus, apparently. Foot, lower leg, gut, hand, arm, and ear. All received a smattering of needles. I have to admit that I only actually felt about four going in and that was just the tiniest of sting. A heating lamp, poised over my gut and the pronouncement of, “meditate or sleep” and he and Susan, who had remained extremely quiet and Zen-like herself during the needle insertion phase, both left me to my own thoughts.

I tried to relax. I tried to mediate. Okay, I have no idea how to meditate. I tried praying. I think I felt a bit of Christian guilt going in. Seeking Ancient Asian Medicine treatment when I am so firmly a daughter of the King. I felt, however, that He was okay with it. I am sure my guilt is purely disappointment in not being able to fix myself. Some people are like that. So used to helping others, never focusing on/taking care of herself, assuming she can fix it all. I’m okay with being like that now. It’s a long way from That Girl and I actually like This Girl.

This Girl, however, had to step back recently and look at the big picture of her life. I won’t change wanting to care for others. I won’t change wanting to be involved in every aspect of my children’s lives (that they will allow), including my 20-somethings. I won’t change who I have worked so hard to become these last 25 years. But, I do need to change how I care for me. I am innately a selfish person and pretty much embraced the Princess life the first 25+ years of my life. I don’t want to be that self-absorbed ever again so it is really difficult for me to know that I need to take better care of me…and not feel guilty about it.

Going to see Thomas, hearing his admonitions that I need to take better care of myself (and the interjections of bff, Susan, “so you can continue to help others, too!”) finally resonated with me. I’ve really let myself get into a physical/emotional and even spiritual mess. I love the holistic, whole-body philosophy that Thomas imparted in the 90 minutes I was there. I actually felt some hope. I felt much more in control, much more able. Except for Mean Min, The Deep Tissue Massage Torture King.

Ex-bff, Susan, assured me Min doesn’t play into the picture on the first visit. She was oh, so totally incorrect. When Min came in to remove the needles, I didn’t feel the slightest bit of panic because he was in just to remove the needles. Then he uttered these infamous words, “I am going to work out your spine and neck.” Ouch doesn’t begin to describe it. When he was done working out my spine and neck and I (tried) to sit up, the tears were still streaming down my face. And I still said, “thank you.” Why do we do that? Here’s your bill for $6700 to fix the Wild Boy’s Jeep. “Thank you, Mr. OBX Mechanic Dude.”

But really, I said thank you because the torture was over and my back and neck actually felt pretty sweet. Thomas came back in then and I thought I was done. Not so fast, girl. Time for a bit of spine alignment. While standing. When he pulled out the walker for me to lean against, I knew I was in huge trouble. By this time, I was physically drained of all emotion and tears so basically just bring it.

A little after-treatment chat with Thomas revealed the following mandates: No Meat, No Alcohol, No Coffee. For three months. And ended with a pitifully thin folder of the foods I could ingest. Basically, no dairy, no fried foods, no sugar, no white flour or white potatoes or rice; veggies, fruits and healthy grains. He pointed at me and said, “you are going vegan for three months.” Period. Just like that. Like it was going to be a cake walk. Mmmmm….cake.

That was Monday. Today is Wednesday. I did have about 3 ounces of coffee yesterday morning. I am having about 3 ounces of coffee this morning. I had a bite of the heavenly, to die for roast that Chef Shawn cooked last night, but all in all, I did pretty good Monday and yesterday and already have a food plan for today.

Give up coffee completely, however? That’s not gonna happen this week. I go back to see Thomas and please, Lord, not Min, tomorrow morning. And I’m actually taking the Wild Boy along with. He has had problems with his neck for years. Modern medicine has ruled out any issues and he has been bugging me to try acupuncture so I’ll take him along so he can see what it is about. I did sleep four solid hours Monday night. Last night, not a wink. Baby steps, however, are key.

Will keep y’all updated as I head down this path. More to come on eating, weight loss, and getting back into the groove of exercise.

Love you guys.

**did y’all get that retro-reference? If not…here is the source.

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The things we will do out of desperation…

I may have mentioned a time or two that I have not been sleeping. Sleep has been an issue for me for several years, but the last 10 months have been brutal. Anxiety, depression, poor eating and exercise habits have all contributed to my lack of sleep, I am positive.

So yesterday morning, out of sheer desperation, I kept my appointment with an acupuncturist. I say kept because I have actually called and made several appointments with him over the last year or so but have always called to cancel. I almost called to cancel yesterday morning, but I had a friend holding me accountable and she is one bossy missus and honestly, I lacked the energy to deal with the barrage that would descend upon me if I had called to cancel. *she admitted she thought I would likely call and cancel yesterday’s appointment, so I showed her!* She is such a good friend though, she actually called and made the appointment for me, no doubt to fill in tidbits I might be inclined to leave out. She actually drove me to the appointment to definitely fill in the tidbits I was inclined to leave out. Seriously, everyone needs a friend like her in their lives…but only one.

So, the appointment. Not what I expected at all. Not sure exactly what I expected, but you know how you know that something wasn’t what you thought it might be like even though you had no idea what you thought it might be like? That.

The entire suite of offices is bright and airy but also calming and serene. The moment I walked in the front doors, I knew I would like it and become a regular. The staff was warm and welcoming.It did help that bff, Susan was with me since she is a regular and walked me around to show me the ropes, i.e., the restroom.

Really, can’t you tell everything about a place by it’s bathroom? I was, at first, thrown off by the fact that this was a Men/Women bathroom combined. Nothing says howdy like a frufru girly bathroom with a urinal. But really, once I got passed that, literally, to the girls section, it was all good. Candles and frufruness abound. Even the water faucets (side by side…Men/Women, remember?) were calming and serene as they flowed. There was a moment of anxiety when I realized there were several choices of scented hand soap from which to choose. So I did like any over-indulged princess would do and tried them all, one at a time. Finished up with the fig and I must say it went along very well with the lavender scent I chose first. I am a die-hard lavender girl when it comes to soaps and lotions and cleaning and laundry products.

We settled into comfy chairs in the treatment room sipping our green tea and chatted about books and such for a few minutes before Thomas came in. I liked him right away. A very kind and gentle face, and very no nonsense. He doesn’t condemn, by any means, but he did make some clucking and tsking sounds as we talked. And bff, Susan did interject some good points that I forgot *ahem* to share.

When it was time for me to finally stretch out on the rack table, I was pretty ready to get started with the acupuncture.

Check back for part two and how bff, Susan neglected to mention the torture part of my appointment.

Love you guys.

A list of Thankfuls this Thursday morning.

Still re-reading your messages about your own struggles with anxiety/depression/stuff. As I was reading them this morning, this reminder came across The Twitter:

Let everything that has breath praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Psalm 150:6

Praising Him for:

…puppy breath and nibbles…

…nestled in my Mame’s chair, crocheting and listening to the crickets sing their night song…

…warm velvet pads kneading my face a gentle wake-up…

…the sweet sound of children’s voices, now grown, but just as sweet to this momma’s heart…

…Pastor’s who are friends; friends who are Pastor’s…

…rhythmic purrs fluttering near my ear…

…humid August days saturating us with longing for September splendor…

…four hours of restful sleep wedged between hours of praise and prayer…

…children of my heart who call me momma…

Love you guys.

It’s a Monday morning random list on Wednesday.

UPDATE: I have heard from so many of you, privately, that you too struggle with anxiety and/or depression. We are not alone. YOU are not alone. I think connecting with each other and knowing that we all struggle with “stuff” is helpful. At least for me. Thank you for sharing with me…I often DO feel alone in this and most people, even friends, don’t get that it is usually something I can’t just “get over.” Love you guys!

A bit of Monday Morning Randomness will, I hope, get me back into a blogging mood. *please note it is now Wednesday*

1. As I’m writing this, I’m sitting in my living room in yoga pants (or, yogurt pants as The Wild Boy used to call them) and a sweatshirt. In the middle of August. No, not in Siberia…in Virginia, ‘Merica. Craziness. *I’m also watching NCIS but don’t tell anyone*

2. I also ordered and have already received not one, but two books last week. But they were on the Book of Psalms, you know…The Bible…so they really don’t count in my self-imposed August book ban. Besides, the Amazon stock had dropped rapidly while I was on August Book Ban and they practically gave me the two books. Did I mention they are books about the Bible? by serious religious men…C.S. Lewis and Dietrich Bonhoeffer.

3. So, I have a new grand pup. He is a cutie. German Shepherd. His name is Wesson. Why, yes! As in Smith & Wesson. We have come up with a couple really sweet AKC names for him. Will let you know what we, I mean, My Girl, decides on. He is her dog. Do you hear me, Nana? Sarah’s dog…her responsibility, etc. Here’s the little munchkin…

He is extremely lovable. And he has huge, black ink dipped paws. We are in love. Remind me of that after the first accident or furniture chewing incident.

4. Have I mentioned we have a new Pastor? If you are looking for a church that loves Jesus, good music and good food, you must come check us out. Seriously, we know how to love our church family and if you walk in the church doors, you are family. Our new Pastor is young but also very spiritually wise. We have known and loved him and his beautiful bride, Leeann, for several years.

5. Did I mention our new Pastor is also our new next door neighbor? So stinkin’ blessed.

6. So the last few months, okay, the last six months, at least, I have been swimming in a sea of anxiety. With a dabble of depression. It has totally sucked. Every day, I’m one step closer to getting out of that pit. Some days, however, I take two (or twelve) steps back into the pit. I only throw this one in here for the following two reasons: 1) if you, too, suffer from anxiety and/or depression, you are not alone; and 2) seek some help.

7. FYI, when the momma is down, the entire house goes down. I just walked around the house, with eyes wide open, and apparently, no one else knows how to do laundry, pick up after themselves, dust, vacuum, clean the kitty litter box, put clothes away, etc. As testimony to my new found chillness, I did not blow a gasket. Yet. My people are going to be very busy this weekend, however.

8. The August humidity is back today, along with some heat. When I began this post, several days ago, you will notice that I was wearing a sweatshirt *see #1 above* Today, I am sitting on the back porch at 8:00 am sweating. I cannot wait for Fall to arrive and stay. I’m already stocking up on baking supplies. Apple-picking dates and our annual Christmas Tree trip are already on the calendar. With Fall, and all of these activities, however, comes a touch of nostalgia. The Wild Boy’s senior year in high school. However, I firmly believe God prepares both of us for that time of parting. I’m not sure who is going to kill whom first, but the Wild Boy and I are definitely getting on each other’s nerves in a big way. I dare say we will both be ready for him to head off to college next August.

9. That’s all I have today. Thanks for sticking with me through thick and thin.

Love you guys.

Wednesday Morning Simple Thankfuls.

 
…closing my eyes and hearing…feeling…the pounding of the waves on the shore, calling me back…

…leaving a bedroom window open to hear the dusting of raindrops on leaves throughout my dreams…

…that perfect stillness, just before the dawn…


…needing a sweatshirt for my morning quiet time on the porch…two weeks into August…

…the soft footprints of the last child in safely for the night…

…overcast days that cry out for all of my small, soft lighting to glow…

…whispered promises made to my unseen God in the darkness…

…a Voice that hears…and answers…

Love you guys.

10 Things I love About Monday.

I’ve always been a huge fan of fruit. If stranded on a desert island, I would demand three things: The Book of Psalms, my light flannel sleep pants, and an endless supply of blueberries. Really, though, would any of us have a choice in what we would be able to grab, let alone demand, if we were going to be stranded on a desert island? It just doesn’t make any sense, does it? Also, notice that is desert island, not dessert island, Susan D.

This summer I have reconfirmed my commitment to blueberries by consuming mass quantities of those delicious, sweet, blue berries. Pretty sure my eye color has gone from green to a blue(berry) green the last few weeks.

So the Nats have won a couple of games. Big. Deal. But, I am watching them again. I knew that if I said they were dead to me and stopped watching the games, they would begin to win. Like any good parent, I knew that withdrawing my affection until they started living up to their potential would work. *that last statement explains a lot, doesn’t it?* And I’m not a “get on the band wagon” kind of fan. I have followed and loved the Nats since I gave up my ticket so that my son could go to their Opening Game.

Recently, I’ve fully embraced the Sabbath as a Day of Rest. I’m on the Worship Team and we practice Sunday mornings beginning at 8:45. Ideally, that would mean I am at the church by 8:30 to get settled and tune up my 12-string. Clearly, there is no sleeping in on Sunday mornings. We usually get home after church and lunch around 2:00. By 2:15 today, I was asleep in my bed. This has become my Sunday routine. And, let me share a secret with you, I. Am. Loving. It. Taking Sunday as a day of rest helps me to regroup after a long week, and prepare for the coming week. I highly recommend it.

Some thankfuls…

rescued kitties that follow me around, showing the love…

new neighbors who just happen to be your new pastor and his wife…

saying goodbye to friends, knowing you will be forever friends…

choosing Joy…

a trip to the ER with The Wild Boy that ends well physically as well as at iHop for late afternoon breakfast…

text messages from My Girl saying vacation just isn’t vacation without the rest of her family there…

prodigals…

By now you have figured out that this post has nothing to do with Monday…

Love you guys.

Feeling a bit selfish this Saturday morning.

I have my entire day planned out. It involves a lot of cleaning. And organizing. And some laundry.

So far it is 9:30 am and I am still sitting in Mame’s chair, sipping coffee, listening to My Man pace around the house doing who-knows-what, re-reading my journal notes from this morning’s quiet time.

And waiting.

The Wild Boy should be home from football practice any minute. It’s Day 6 of 5:50 am practices that go until 9:00ish and we already know that he is coming home to be taken to the emergency room for some x-rays. And so it begins.

I am opting out of riding along to the ER this morning. Emergency room visits are not easy for anyone. I get that. This morning I’m feeling selfish…and just don’t think I can handle the smells…colors…lights…words…of the emergency room. Just sitting in the comfort and safety of my Mame’s red chair has me reliving bits and pieces of that night…and I’m struggling with not going into full-blown panic, grief mode. I don’t think I’d be much help to My Man or our Wild Boy at the ER today.

Continuing with selishness this morning, I’m focusing on my thankfuls…

a reddish blonde, curly-headed munchkin who blessed me with the name Doo-Doo…you are so loved and so missed…

quiet time that can be anywhere…anytime…

purple pens and college rule notebooks…

a “job” where I get to work with people I love and with people who love me…my church family…

hearing Your Voice…through Your written Word…

Thursday morning Chick-Fil-A “bible study” with The Girls…

squeaky hardwood floors that make fifty year old houses…home…

soft, colorful yarn…turning into warm blankets using talents inherited and encouraged from my mom…

reading the underlines, notes and thoughts of a sweet friend…in the bible I gave her so many years ago…miss you, darlin’…

Love you guys.