In February 2009, I was happily going along taking life for granted. I was loving this Bible Study with an amazing group of women. Looking at this picture…brings so many conflicting thoughts. Three of these women are no longer here. One has moved to another church; one has moved to another continent thanks to the US Navy; one has moved into the presence of Jesus.
One month after this photo, my life was changed forever. Beth was diagnosed with a brain tumor. A melanoma recurrence. Six weeks later, Beth was gone.
I still can not believe it.
Life has continued.
Teens have graduated from high school. Friends have married. Children have been born. Elderly relatives have passed away. Jobs have been lost and gained.
I try not to sit and dwell on it. I try not to notice the pain in the eyes of Betth’s mother every time I see her. I try not grab Beth’s youngest son into my arms and hold onto him and cry each time he comes into our house. Which is every day since he is my youngest son’s best friend.
There are days that I am successful. There are weeks on end that I sit in the darkness and let it surround me; envelop me.
Lately, for months really, I have been embracing the darkness. Some days it is easier. Easier to turn inward and ignore the outside. Easier to climb into my bed and sleep. Easier to sit at my desk and stare at my computer screen for hours on end. Not knowing where or how to begin. Easier to let the laundry pile up, the dust bunnies multiply and get lost in NCIS. Or the Weather Channel.
This week, while snowed in with the Blizzard of 2010, I tried to welcome the darkness. I was just beginning to succeed when I was Interrupted.
Every place I looked, I saw reference to the darkness, especially every time I opened my bible or devotional or bible study materials.
This morning it finally hit me: He was reminding me that He is not about darkness. In fact He specifically reminded me by leading me to this verse
You are my lamp, O LORD;
the LORD turns my darkness into light
I haven’t been able to find my way out of the dark. I’m not supposed to. I need to let Him be my Lamp. When I turn to Him, reach out to Him, He will turn my darkness into Light.
I was really getting tired of the darkness, I have to admit.
Thank you for your patience as I’ve struggled to find my way Back.
Love you guys.