But, I’m back. Finally decided to live. Taking my life back. I’m still giving myself permission to grieve and have “a day,” but Beth would not want me to be paralyzed by my grief and sadness. In fact, she would be giving me a royal butt-kicking by now.
Maybe she did and that’s why I suddenly decided it was time to start living again.
When I looked around (not too closely, by the way) at my home this weekend, I realized just how far gone I was. My house is a pit. There is little food in the fridge and pantry. The darlings have gone off the deep end as far as picking up after themselves and cleaning up after themselves. They aren’t doing it. Period.
And I totally didn’t care.
My level of apathy was off the charts.
Now that my eyes are opened and I’m seeing life around me again, I’m actually pretty ticked off. At least someone could have picked up the slack while I checked out for a time! I suppose I can’t really blame them too much. They were dealing with their own grief plus watching their mother (aka She Who Must Be in Control of All) struggle and just not care. And My Man did step up. For a time. Then he just through in the towel, too.
So, I’m back at it today. Got a nice walk in. Stopped and talked with neighbors. Rescued the Miss Utility dude from our dog (why on earth did he go in the back yard on his own anyway?) Did a load of laundry and had my quiet time. Totally not in that order.
I’m picking up Memory Monday again. I have seriously clung to Psalm 103 the last couple months. I feel like God is calling me to memorize it. In chunks. So I will begin today with Psalm 103:1-3:
1 Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-
3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases…
I do have tons of thoughts swirling around in my brain. I hope to begin piecing some thoughts together soon and typing them up. I need to go back through my journal writing. I also need to go through my notes and thoughts from 90 Days With a Heart Like His that Jill and I tried to keep up with but I was a total slacker and she was a total giver of grace. I think we just finished up Day 78 in the devotion but it’s probably like day 250 since we actually began.
Okay, time to eat some food and grab a bottle of water. Part of my gaining control of my life again includes my eating. I have completely turned to food as my comfort. And coffee. Lots and lots of coffee. While I have no plans to give up my coffee and cream (please, Lord, please let me keep this), I do need to get back to drinking several bottles of water each day and eating to live, not living to eat (chiastic structure, anyone?).
I love you guys.