That is how Lucy described me. To The New Boyfriend. And it infuriated me. Predictably, I might add.
I assured Lucy that she can ALWAYS predict my reaction to something…depending on what the “something” is. How difficult is it to predict that if she is concerned or uneasy about my reaction that it’s pretty safe to say my reaction ain’t gonna be so great?
But all of this (after I calmed down) got me to thinking.
My actions and reactions have been unpredictable lately.
And I know why. I’m just not happy.
I know that happy is a feeling. I didn’t say I’m not joyful. Because I am joyful. Bottom line is that I am filled to the brim by the Holy Spirit that dwells within me. When I think of Jesus…My Heart Sings. My Soul is Content. That, for me, is Joy.
Happy is another story. I can’t get a handle on things. Not at home. Not in my relationships. Not at work. Not with my bible studies and readings. I can’t even put into words the drive to read my Bible. The ache to study the Word. The need to learn everything I can about Jesus.
I have a picture in my head and lists in my journal on how I want my life to be. Absolutely taking into account the unpredictability of it all…of human nature and individuals. But even so, I know how I desire for things to be…to look.
And I can’t get it to happen.
And it is making me very unhappy. I wish I could blame it on ‘depression’. Something that I might be able to control or help with counseling and/or meds.
I wish I could blame it on the other people in my life. Sure…they contribute (lol)…but really….I have the most amazing husband and incredible children and the Christian women in my life…y’all I just can’t brag enough on them.
And yet…something is missing. Something I just can’t get a handle on. That’s causing me this unhappiness.
And, Glory! I realized what it was. I’m NOT That Girl anymore and I never want to be her again. I am This Girl. But I’m This Girl living in This World. Nothing can compare to what it will be like being This Girl living in Heaven. Nothing. And I say that with an assurance that I don’t even have the slightest bit of a glimpse on what it will be like in Heaven!
I’m supposed to be unhappy here. I’m supposed to be unsettled. Disgruntled. Longing for something I have no description for.
It does not, however, allow me to down all the time. Or give me permission to be angry all the time? Rage? Sulk? Nope.
Thank You, Jesus but no.
And that is where I have to go back to the Joy. I need to keep Joy in front of me. Eyes on it all the time.
I lift my eyes up to the hills…where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, Maker of Heaven and earth.
And Maker of the Joy. Oh, how I love the Joy!