Anyone else reflecting on how 2018 went down? I’ve been thinking about it a lot as it comes to a close. My journaling time in the morning has been one of a lot of sitting in front of the blank page, pencil in hand, just listening for and to the quiet Voice in my heart that talks to me about the important things. The things that I need to let matter; and the things that really irritate the hell out of me that I need to let go. Twenty-eighteen has been a whole lot of irritants and in the past, I would have handled things a lot differently. But guess what? I am pushing 58 years on this Earth and I’ve learned a few things. Here are a few, in no particular, very chatty order.

I love coffee. And I’m not getting rid of it in my life. (No, God has not told me to let coffee go, by the way.) There are a lot of other things I do love, that I have and continue to clean out of my life. But coffee ain’t one that’s going anywhere. Learning to love it without sugar…that is doable. Giving up the real, dairy-laden, cream? Nope. Cutting back on it because it does tend to irritate my gut? Begrudgingly, yes.

You can’t out exercise a poor diet. As I’ve gotten back into working out (more) regularly, and I’m not seeing the results I’m working hard towards, I’ve finally had to admit this is true. And eating crappy food leads to crappy workouts and not having the mental and physical desire to work out. Having a food plan and an exercise plan is key for me. Now, if I could just stick with them. #discipline #howbaddoyouwantit

As much as I love the “ber” months, I’m looking forward to January. And I’ve come to realize I have always done so. After the hustle and bustle, over-consumption of all the food and things, I’m ready to settle in and enjoy the quiet and the coziness of winter. I’m thankful that we have a fireplace, a safe, warm place to live, family and friends to share with, and the months of January and February in a climate that encourages us to enjoy the indoors. As I was writing this post this morning, I ran across a short piece written by Venice Wyatt that I shared on my facebook page that exactly explained what I was feeling and thinking.

Having said all of that. I’m not wishing away December. I’m settling in and enjoying our oh-so-not-perfect-but-absolutely-perfect Christmas tree. I’m (trying) to let go of the OCD that keeps clawing it’s way to the surface of my brain, and letting things (and myself) just be. My house has been a constant state of cleaning out, packing up, moving stuff out, mess. Shawn and I have been going through things (he has replaced the decluttering queens in my life, Susan D. and Leeann A.) and he encourages me to just let it go. Brett and Rachel were home for Thanksgiving and we pretty much put our hands on every single thing down in the basement. There were very few things that any of the kiddos wanted, and after running everything through several tests (do I love it? is it connected with someone I love? does it hold an irreplaceable memory? can I replace it if I really wanted to? and oh yeah, do I really love it?), I let go of a lot of things. But yesterday I was wandering through (in my mind) what was in each box down there and I realized I have more to let go of.

Letting go. I feel like that has been my mantra this year. I’ve had to let go of toxic relationships, dreams that I’ve clung to that I’ve realized have been replaced by even better realities, habits that are nothing but destructive, attitudes that I thought were just who I was and couldn’t be released (but can!). Letting go always had such negative feels for me in the past but now…letting go has equaled freedom. Freedoms in ways I never, ever imagined possible. More on that as we move into the New Year, but let me just leave you with this: don’t be afraid to let go. Letting go of one thing opens up a million possibilities for good things, better things, permanent things.

See Y’all soon.

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A few of my favorite things…1

I was slathering on all the product today and thought…I wonder if anyone else uses this mascara/hair product/soap/etc. because I love it. Maybe they would too. So here you go, a few of my favorite things. *some things are linked to my Amazon account where I am an Amazon Associate.*

My Girl is the one who turned me onto this mascara. Seriously, I have never, ever used a mascara that I have loved like this one. It does what it says it does: waterproof and volume and lengthening. And it still comes off easily when I wash my face and/or use make-up remover. Seriously, this is my #1 recommendation of all times. And it is super inexpensive!

Anyone else jumped on board with the amazingness that is the Instant Pot? So this one is on 40% off right now. I handed down my smaller one and just purchased this one for myself for Christmas. Even The Pioneer Woman is jumping on board with the Instant Pot and redoing some of her best recipes to use the Instant Pot. I made this recipe last week because her original recipe is my go-to for pot roast. This was just as tasty and wonderfully comforting just like the original.

I have always had super dry hair and coloring/highlighting/blow drying/etc. has not helped. And then I met this queen of all hair products. My hair dries faster (with or without blow drying) and has not dried out like it did before I started using this. And it smells so yummy.

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And last, but not least, this toothpaste and a drop of Orange together are whitening up my teeth in a way I didn’t think was possible. My teeth were damaged by antibiotics (a child of the ’60s) and most whitening products don’t do much. I’ve been doing a 30-day challenge (for myself) to see if this combo really does work for me and it does. Contact me or go here to order.

There ya go. Holler at me if you have any questions. And see Y’all soon!

Twenty days ’til Christmas.

Is it just me or is Christmas coming faster every year? My dad warned me this would happen. Not specifically Christmas coming quickly, but the year(s) moving more quickly as I age. Is aging and time like a snowball? Gathering speed as it moves closer to the bottom of the end? That’s my deep thought for the day. Probably the only one. You’re welcome.

Anyone else absolutely freaked out that we are only 27 days until the New Year? I mean I’ve held it together pretty well until this morning. My brain can not slow down, turn off, or focus, on any one thing or even all the things it should be focused on. Instead, I am wandering down memory lane, revisiting past events that have no business sticking their nose into my present and future, abandoned plans, broken relationships that aren’t supposed to be healed, habits and behaviors that are just not healthy, and the weight of things done that can not be undone…I’m cutting it all loose today. As in, I’m making the choice. Do I continue being distracted by all the shiny and/or tarnished things that pop up? Or do I make the conscious decision to let the past be the past and today is a new day, a new beginning?

Yeah, it’s easy to say that and another to actually make it so, but I have to begin somewhere. More importantly, I must change my own negative thought processes to positive ones. In everything. I’ve already begun that with focusing on food…is it medicine and fuel? It needs to be right now. And moving more? I am, but I need an actual plan and tracking system. Decluttering and cleaning out our home? It’s happening, usually with me kicking and screaming. So I’ve been taking pictures of things and books and tucking them away as reminders. Reminders for what, I’m not sure, but it’s making the process easier and I’m letting things go. Literally.

This morning as I was writing out a lot of these thoughts in the journal, I realized that just putting pen(cil) to paper and letting it all out of my stopped up brain really had a calming and I can do this effect. I’m seeing and thinking more clearly. Able to prioritize and, I’m positive, focus on what I need to be doing. Yeah, it’s a lot. But it all doesn’t have to be done today. Or even in the next 27 days. Because nothing says new beginnings like January 1. Christmas is coming and I really need to get my brain and heart back on track with what it really means. For this gift girl, that means all the presents. And Jesus. Definitely Jesus. Y’all know I’m joking…it’s Jesus first. Then all the presents.

How is everyone else coping with this time of year? Anyone just sitting back, wishing for snow and letting the rest of it not bother you? If so, share your secrets on how you do that!

See you soon.

November 29 and intentions and goals

Since we are coming up on the end of the year, I have really been thinking a lot about 2018 and how it went down (not too bad, actually) and how I want 2019 to look. I used to do New Year’s resolutions and would crush it for the first week or so and then…crash and burn. Mostly because of the following reasons:

  1. My resolutions were just so out of my norm;
  2. I didn’t have a real “plan.”
  3. I had no end game.

This year I’m not doing resolutions. Over the last couple of years, I have learned (the hard way) that for me I need to dive headlong in, but only in mind initially. From there, I start to brain dump into my journal. I’ve actually just begun this process for my December 2018 goals (aka short-term goals/intentions) and a couple for 2019, and this morning spent about an hour brain dumping into my journal. I thought it would be cool to share some of the processes with you, which will work for whatever your goals/intentions are, I’m pretty sure. Below I will share one of my top 3 and how I plan to get ‘er done. So here we go.

  1. Think about what you would like to accomplish next year. Write it all down. Every single little thing that pops into your head. Write it down in one big, fat brain dump.
  2. Read through all of it once or twice. A few are going to really stick out and you are going to keep coming back to those. Circle them. Now read through all of them again. Tighten up those few that jump into your heart and stick.
  3. On a clean sheet of paper, or turn the page, or on the back (what-ev-er) write down the top five things you want to accomplish next year. Focus on each one for a few minutes. Or longer. This is your gig. You are in charge.
  4. Circle or highlight or write over them with glitter, but pick the 1 or 2 or 3 that really has/have your gut screaming…”THIS!!!!!!!”
  5. I personally draw a line under my top few at this point, but you don’t have to. Unless you want to fail. (#justkidding) Make this your own…what feels right to you (again with the gut feeling.)
  6. If you have a #1, now is the time to let it shine. Write it out. Get specific. Write out all the particulars, the whys, the wheres, the whos, the whens, and the hows. Still kinda brain dumping here, but I actually space these out so that I can go back and fill out even more detail if needed.
  7. By now you are probably wondering, “geez, woman, how long is this gonna take?” Honestly, I only spent an hour on it this morning. And I only focused on my #1. Tomorrow I will do the same with my #2 and then #3 if I still feel it is attainable. Because let’s be super-duper real for a moment. I’m tired of not succeeding. Notice I didn’t say fail? Instead of “fail” I like to think, “learned.” I didn’t succeed but I sure as heck learned a lot about how NOT to go about it. I want to set myself up to succeed this time. And most of the time from now on. And don’t email me or text me or call me about the f(ail) word. I get it. We do fail. But the more I keep using that word, thinking that word, writing that word, the more likely I am to f. Let’s get positive (anyone else start singing “let’s get physical?” No? Me, neither.) Anyway, let’s get back on track with all the paragraphs.
  8. So you have your #1 goal/intention there. And you’ve brain dumped everything you can think about that one thing. Pick your top 10 things you can start doing today, or this week, or this month, to move closer to that #1 goal. And write those out again. Except for this time…write them out as if you are already doing them. Maybe you already are doing them for realz.
  9. Here is where I share one of my goals/intentions for 2019. Actually, beginning December 2018, and it shouldn’t come as a surprise to you. I’ve been working on getting to the gym, eating healthier, etc. And of course, I want to lose weight. I have a goal written out. It’s not a number, it’s not a size. But my 10 top things I can start doing today, and have been doing some of them, that I am going to write about in the present, include (and no judgment, please): I am moving more. I am wearing cute clothes. I am going to the gym three days a week. I am hitting the weights 2x a week. So…you get the idea? The things I want to be doing in order to succeed at my goal, I will write about and talk about in the present tense.
  10. And don’t just write them down this one time, but all the time. When you talk about them…talk about them in the present tense also. And, #duh, do them. Because thinking them, writing them, and doing them, will make them actually happen.

Okay, so now for the difficult part. You need to do this every day. Not the whole thing…just #9. Seriously, Y’all know I journal. I’ve started journaling more about my goals and intentions every day. And now? It’s happening. My goals are actually becoming reality. More on that over the next few weeks and months. But one of my short-term goals was to move up a rank in Young Living from a Distributor to Star. #boom #done. Next essential oil biz goal is Senior Star…by the end of December 2018.

Hopefully, someone pulled something useful out of this mess of a blog post.

See Y’all…soon…ish. And thank you for all of the encouragement and feedback!

November 26 and allllll the drama

Just kidding on the drama.

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Everyone is showing off all their Christmas decoratin’ bling on social media and I am over here at Smith Abbey stepping over boxes and having to push chairs out-of-the-way and digging through an over-stuffed fridge looking for my heavy whipping cream for my coffee and maybe even looking at a few dirty dishes from Saturday night. Because we crushed it in the suck the life out of every second of time we have together arena. From 6:30 Tuesday night until 3:30 yesterday afternoon when everyone finally departed for home, we hugged, and laughed, and teased, and ate, and drove, and literally squeezed a lifetime of memories out of every drop. And my house, for one, is a testament to it. But instead of worrying about the mess (and my serious joint pain and gut issues due to the lack of common sense that was my eating over the last 6 days) I am sipping my coffee from my fave over-sized Christmas coffee mug, and going through each and every moment in my head and storing it all in my heart.

The girls

Because I lost count of the number of times that Russell and I stood back for a moment and just watched all the craziness going on, recognizing that this is what it is all about. Two little girls about to turn two who pretty much ran the show. Of course, they did. Adult siblings and cousins coming together and teasing and laughing and joking and bickering like they always did. Welcoming into the circle of our craziness a new wife and a new girlfriend, hesitating for a nanosecond over the thought of can they handle it? Yes, they can as they jumped right into the fray. All of us worshipping together, minus one sleepy head who will never hear the end of it. Y’all my heart is full to the brim. Kinda like my bedroom where we dumped all of the gotta make room for chairs and boxes. We also took a day to clean out the bedroom and put a ton of stuff on facebook marketplace so that’s all in my dining room right now. Cuz what better time to do that kind of stuff?

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I tried to pop onto social media now and then over the last few days and ended up catching up on everything last night, in bed, at 8:30. Loved seeing all of the Thanksgiving meals, families, decorating, and joy. There will be plenty of time this week to get the house back in order. To rearrange the tree which, as I’m looking at it this morning, is still leaning a tad to the right because we didn’t have time for my usual 20 minutes of tree straightening commands. I’m positive my OCD will kick in at some point, but for now, I’m loving the lean, cherishing the ornaments facing backward that were placed by pudgy little hands all along the bottom 1/4 of the tree, and missing all the joyful noise of family.

Hope Y’all had a great Thanksgiving. See you tomorrow.

November 23 and the real reason it is called Black Friday

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Shawn and Rachel’s charcuterie board.

I don’t know about y’all, but we had a houseful yesterday. And it was glorious. And loud. And there was some drama. And there were tons of sweet moments. And there was Way. Too. Much. Food. And I had to lie down for 40 minutes during the midst of it. Because let’s be real for a minute. Family, food, and fun can make for a bit of a stressful day and while I was so stinkin’ happy to have everyone here, imagine what all of the crappy (as in not-so-healthy) food has done to my gut and body and add on the busyness of pulling everything together? I needed to do one of two things: 1. take a break for 40 or 2. vomit. Almost did both, but my gut calmed down a bit after a while.

So Black Friday. In my mind, it has nothing to do with retail. And everything to do with coming down off the high of Thanksgiving Day. I wouldn’t say I’m actually in a dark mood today, but I’m definitely feeling reflective and thankful, exhausted and stuffed, and super happy that my people are all still in bed so I can have this time to just be. And did I mention it is quiet?

For the record, it’s okay to be overwhelmed by what isn’t the norm for you. The ton of food that you have to have a bite of because it’s something you may only have once a year. It’s okay to be sad on Thanksgiving and missing your loved ones. It’s okay to be glad the day is over with and now you can dive headlong into Christmas. As if some of us haven’t been doing that for the last 10 days already.

And it’s okay to be angry that maybe this year you can’t think of a whole lot to be thankful for. Maybe you are in the midst of a wicked divorce. Or this is your first (or seventh) Thanksgiving following the death of a loved one. Or you lost your job…or your house. It’s probably been pretty tough seeing all of the “Happy Thanksgiving!” “I’m so blessed and thankful” social media posts. You are not forgotten. Not by those who know you and not by El Roi  – the God who sees you. Call out to Him and He will bring you peace and comfort and turn your ashes into joy. Although it may not seem like it. Although it may take time. He will do it if you ask Him.

We are off to the tree farm today. Car full after car full after car full of family and friends. And it’s going to be wonderful. And loud. And there’s going to be some drama. And I am thankful.

See Y’all tomorrow..

 

November 21 and it’s officially Christmas

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Well, it is around here, anyway.

Today we are pulling out Christmas dishes and lights to start decorating. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and Friday is Christmas Tree Farm day. To be honest, it’s been a struggle not to decorate before now this year. Seeing all of the decorating happening out in Instagram land has not helped. In fact, it’s probably been driving my desire to decorate earlier than usual. I have successfully resisted and now…bring on the tinsel and lights and ornaments and all the Christmas things!

All my people are in the house, “the house” meaning Springfield, and last night we celebrated Russell’s birthday. Can you say, one happy momma. As the bickering and fighting over who sits where and barking orders at each other began, I was in heaven. I pray that my children never become strangers to each other. That the bickering doesn’t turn to anger or indifference. That the barking orders to each other never becomes hate and then silence. It happens. It is happening in the lives of people we know and love. I’m thankful that the eye rolls are followed by giggles and teasing. That the asides of “s/he drives me crazy” ends with, “thank God.” I worried, for a time, about the heart children that would become ours via marriage. That they wouldn’t get us or would struggle with how we roll. We actually talked about it last night as Russell was opening his cards and prezzies…and as I looked at each of these children I have been blessed with, I realized I had worried for no reason. We are still missing one heart child…she will come eventually. I’ve got a feeling she’s going to fit in just fine. As long as she recognizes and accepts two things: 1. Christmas comes early at the Smith house; and 2. the Queen rules.

Happy Thanksgiving and bring on the Christmas festivities.

See Y’all…soon.christmas

November 19 and let’s all just calm down

Not an order…a suggestion. Since I’ve been all up in my own head the first 2.5 weeks of November, I’m leading the charge in calming down.

Having said that, I was super duper grumpy this morning. I’m sure it had nothing to do with being at da gym by 5 this morning. Seriously, it really didn’t because I was awake anyway and I felt great after 30 minutes on the treadmill and 15 minutes of good stretching. And I can totally feel it.

Nope, not the gym. Couldn’t have anything to do with the 45 people coming to my house Thursday for dinner. Okay, I am exaggerating a tiny bit. It’s only 18 or so and honestly, it isn’t that at all because I am so psyched that The Littles arrive tomorrow for dinner and birthday celebrations (Russell turns fifty…ummmm…well he doesn’t want to talk about which number follows the fifty) and that means pineapple upside down cake with enough candles to light up the northern hemisphere. Birthday boy’s family (after 35+ years, why are they still “Russell’s family?” they are totally “our family”) start arriving Wednesday, but no one has figured out exactly when and for this OCD, detail girl, I’m sure that’s not bothering me at all. Is it, Courtenay?

Honestly, I’m not sure what got into me today. Thankfully, I’m over it this afternoon, but I was snarky for a bit and then had to pull it together. So there you go…I had to pull it together. And I did. I didn’t run with it. Although, to be honest at one point I did tell my spousal unit to stop talking to me because I was gonna blow. His response? “Bring. It.” And then he laughed like a kid, and I had to laugh also. All I could think of was this. He even called me a couple hours later to see how I was doing (my husband, not Keanu Reeves, although how cool would that be?) And I even went to Target. I mean if a trip to Tarjay doesn’t cheer a girl up…I think that’s when I knew this was going to be a get over yourself lady and pull your act together kind of thing. And it’s been all uphill since.

Take a minute to tell me your top five Thanksgiving meal must-haves over on my facebook page. That is one thing I know cheered me up…reading everyone’s food list.

Off to meet my men and head to Wegman’s…I am determined to be cheery, chatty, and chipper at Weggies…even though it is going to be a nightmare.

Happy Monday-before-Thanksgiving and see Y’all tomorrow.

 

November 18 and learning to be me

Sorry, yesterday was kind of a downer. But if I continued on…you’d still be sitting there reading that post today instead of this one.

Remember yesterday when I said From my quiet time, bible study, random people, and even social media, to what is happening in my actual life, I’m being shaken. Sifted. Set aside? All morning today (I’m writing this on Saturday to be posted on Sunday) I kept stumbling upon more confirmation, more packing into place my thoughts, more insight into what is happening. I realized this week that what I’m really fighting is me. The me that is pulling herself out of the pit of who she was told she was or was supposed to be. The pit of accepting without question what she was told to do. The me that hasn’t spoken up because she didn’t want to “cause a stink,” or possibly lose a friend, or even a job. The me that was labeled an introvert but who is actually an extrovert.  Over the years, a very small few people, I can count them on one hand, saw me. And tried to convince me to allow myself to be me. I am so thankful they planted those seeds, even if it has taken 57 years for me to grow.

Because honestly, I have always kept me reined in and hidden and protected. Now and then the inside me would be allowed out, but mostly, I believed that I was just too much for people and they couldn’t handle the real me. I still say that to my husband of almost 36 years. He has tried to coax the real me out for decades always ending with the love stamp, “you can’t say or do anything or reveal to me anything from your past that would ever make me stop loving you.” And while that is a grandiose blanket statement that I often take as a challenge, I know what he means: he does see the real me. And he can handle all of it. You would think that would be enough for me.

I’ve heard, more times than I can remember, “come on, Susan, it’s not that bad” when I’m trying to express some feelings to friends. When I rarely allow myself to actually speak some feelings I am having, trust me…it’s that bad. The people who don’t even ask if anything is up, because, ya know, I can be a bit of a drama queen. Even now, as I’m typing this I’m thinking, just don’t even share this. They are probably nodding their heads that yes, you really are too much, you do make a big deal out of nothing, and they are exiting out of this post as quickly as they can. Which is cool. Cuz…

Yes, I am a bit of a drama queen (or just, The Queen, as Brett started calling me when he was six years old). Yes, I can make mountains out of molehills in a nanosecond. And yes, I can be a bit too much for some folks. But that is who I am. I tend to do everything big. I hurt big. I laugh big. I yell big. I love big. I criticize big. I apologize big. I encourage big. I push away big and hard. I hug and don’t let go big.

A few months ago, a friend of just a year or so said to me, “you are the first person to allow me to be me.” Which absolutely baffled me. Because I accept you for who you are and don’t try to shut you down? Because I freely tease you when you are being ridiculous and at the same time tell you how loved you are? Because I welcome you opening up your heart and your hurt and your joys and your love? That’s me doing what God has called all of us to do: love.

So this is me being me.

Allow yourself to be you. Let the past shit go. Yeah, it’s hard. Like, super hard. But when you let all that go, the real you is free. A you that doesn’t always (but still sometimes) get irritated by people. A you that lets people in. And do that thing we hear all the time about treating others the way you want to be treated, no matter how they are treating you but don’t be a doormat (I seem to be saying that a lot, lately.) Encourage more. I think I really grew up listening more to criticism than anything else and it not only stuck with me, it made me critical of others. Save that for your husband; that’s his job. I’m kidding…sort of. But really, be the spouse, or mom, or sister, or friend that can take it as well as dish it out. I mean that in a good way, not a nasty supercritical way. And love. Love like it’s your last day or their last day. Russell always teases me about loving our children’s significant others too much too quickly or, in my case, too big. He says that because he doesn’t want me to be hurt. I tell him I would rather love big and get hurt big than to never have loved at all and what if that young man becomes our son-in-law? Which he did. And what if that gorgeous brunette becomes our daughter-in-law? Which she did. Win. Win. Win. Love huge.

What does all of this have to do with 2019 and change? Stick around and find out in the coming days and months. But I’m doing me from here on out. You can handle it.

See ya tomorrow.

November 17 and how is that possible?

Not only are we in the last half of the month, but there are only 45 days until the New Year. Twenty-nineteen will see me twenty years into my job, my husband completes his last year in his 50’s, and we will celebrate 25 years in our home. This time of year has my thoughts, emotions, and heart all over the dang place. I try to really really focus more on gratitude and less on perfection. More just enjoying the moment and less running all over the place. Which is why I do the bulk of my Christmas shopping online. Which I’ve hardly begun this year. I don’t even have my Christmas list up and running yet. It is what it is this year, and every year is different, but I’m feeling like I could use another month to get ready for Christmas, anyone else?

It will all work out. It always does. Russell is all about giving the kiddos hard, cold, cash at Christmas and I’m a gift girl. Not that money for Christmas isn’t a gift, but along with being a gift girl is spending time thinking about the person and what they like, what they might need, and then finding that perfect thing or things for them. Being a gift girl means I love to give gifts, not just receive them. Although I love that part too!

At the Smith’s it isn’t really Christmas until we hear this song. And it just came on as I’m working on this post. Russell just hollered out, “Okay! It’s officially Christmas!” He’s cleaning the kitchen for me because The Chef was cooking this week and only spot cleaned. Cooking is his gift, cleaning up after himself not so much.

For all that I push the envelope on when Christmas officially begins (it could easily be year-round in my book), I resist the beginning of a new year. I don’t wanna think about it until we are just upon it. Like December 31 at 11:00 pm. While September heralds a welcome new beginning in my mind, going back to a new school year I suppose, for me, January brings a ton of pressure. The ultimate do-over, start over, put the past to rest, and gotta do better starting now kind of pressure. That’s just me and what I do to myself. This year I’m trying to think of January 1 a little differently.

Because 2019 is bringing a lot of changes with it. A lot of stepping out of my comfort zone; doing some things that, while I know I am supposed to do, are going to be hard and scary. My BFF, Miss Edie’s response to that is, “GOOD.” The hard and the scary means I am looking beyond where I am now, all snuggled in a comfy, cozy blanket, running on autopilot for the most part. And to be honest, I’ve begged God to just make it all easy and the same and, well, comfortable. Or at the very least, make the path clear and easily seen and navigated.  And I keep receiving from Him a resounding, “No.” From my quiet time, bible study, random people, and even social media, to what is happening in my actual life, I’m being shaken. Sifted. Set aside. My focus is no longer on the same things. And when I do try to focus on them, I am unable to. And I’ve fought it. For months. This week has been the worst. I’ve really struggled. Tried to ease back into the mainstream that has been my life for years. And at every turn, I’ve hit a wall. Yesterday, I just felt crushed under all of it. And I raged, and I cried, and I gave in, and I fought back. And even allowed myself to embrace my old friend, the darkness of depression. And it sucked. The entire day and all of it. And I knew I was not supposed to be doing any of it.

Imagine being my husband right now. That poor man. We went out to dinner last night, to our fave local joint, where we are known by name and greeted with a hug from the owner and sat so we can be with our favorite server. She said to me at one point, “what is wrong with you today, Susan?” and so I unloaded on her a bit. And we had a little cry sesh together because she struggles too. Losing her husband last year and now having no one to do for her what my husband has to endure from me…being The Shoulder. The one that gets slammed with all of the pain and the hurt and the anger and the tears. The one who knows her the best in this world is gone. Remember those who are beyond hurting this time of year. Who have lost loved ones and are missing them every day, but even more so right now.

Anyway. I had planned this post today to be an encouraging one. Full of the joy and triumph. Not so much, eh? I’ll save it for tomorrow’s post.

See you then.